The situation: One million dollars on the line. You have to choose one of two options. You either need to stop Adrian Peterson (in his prime) on a one-on-one goal line stand or get a defensive stop on Michael Jordan (in his prime); which are you choosing?
Look, I’m a two-time intramural basketball champion. I was part of a state-sectional champion high-school basketball team. I led my 22-0 JV team in scoring. I’ve dunked three times in 678 tries. My baseline jumper is near un-guardable. I’ve got basketball experience. From a defensive standpoint, I held two of the best scorers in my conference to 0 points in five minutes of work. Defense is my M.O. If I was in NBA Live, my attribute would be the lock, as in “lock-down defender”.
But Michael Jordan in his prime is un-guardable. And his competitive fire is unparalleled. On that court, the last thing in the world MJ would want to happen would be for me to get a stop on him. Sure, MJ has bazillions of dollars and realizes a stop could change my life forever, but you think he cares? Why would he tarnish his reputation even in the slightest bit to let a nice, innocent guy’s life change for the better?
I bet he’d even try to embarrass me. Toy around with the ball, fake the jump shot a few times. Before ultimately jamming his nuts in my face as he throws down on me.
So I’m taking Adrian Peterson all day (Ya see what I did there?). From one yard out at full speed AP might feel like a freight train. And I’m sure he could bench my max at least 25 times. But he’s got one glaring flaw that gives me a chance. The guy fumbles like every six carries. I’ll take my chances going full-strength at the ball on the goal line with AP, over getting a taste of MJ’s nuts and becoming well aware he wears Hanes, as he dunks on me.
Get stuck in a dark alley with a pissed off Mike Tyson?
Or a pissed off Ray Lewis?
The classic “would you rather” argument of the 21st century. Two hitting machines (albeit past their prime), with ill-tempers and a propensity to use violence as a means to solve problems.
It basically comes down to a “would you rather have broken ribs and/or be dead” (Lewis) or “would you rather be knocked out cold for a few hours and wake up with a different face and a piece of your ear on the floor” (Tyson)? Tough call. Neither of these guys plays fair.
It’s safe to say I’d be doing a disservice to society going the Tyson route. The world doesn’t want to see this future GQ cover model’s face all deformed and shit. But at the same time, Lewis might literally kill me. I don’t wanna die. And Ravens get away with everything. I’m pretty sure their whole defensive front seven served time in prison, and at least four of their players got away with murder.
So I’ve got to lean towards Tyson. At least Tyson will knock me out in one punch, and I won’t feel the rest of the pain. As long as I wake up in a hospital bed within the next few weeks and there’s a quality plastic surgeon around, I’m taking that over Ray Lewis breaking my body and then murdering me without as much as a fine from Goodell, any day.
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